June 21, 2018 –
I left work that evening and stopped at the grocery store on my way home. Standing in the frozen food aisle, a wave of gloominess slowly encompassed me. I remember sending a text out about how off I had felt out of nowhere. Less than an hour later, I had a text from Steven Seaquist: “Hey is this Tiffany? I wanted to let you know that David passed this morning” In a helpless moment, all I could force out was something that resembled a mixture of a scream and cry all at once.
A year prior I had just lost my dad. “Tiffany? I’m so sorry but your dad is gone” is the call I received out of the blue.. the words I followed up with were “What? and “Okay” before frantically hanging up. I still called back seconds later with: “Are you sure?”
But this time.. I didn’t have the means to question it. Hearing that David had overdosed was a nightmare we’d been trying to avoid. He was in California at the time, getting clean.. so how could it happen like this?
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When my dad passed, David took care of me. I remember one night, coming out of the shower he wrapped me in a towel. It was the same way my dad would growing up, and I instantly bawled in that moment. He laid there silently just holding me.. letting me continue as long as I did until I fell asleep. We had been broken up over a year at that point but he still came to the funeral and brought his dad too.
It wasn’t just those moments he was there for me. His impact stems far before that. This guy single handedly saw me for who I was and loved me for every bit of it. When we first met, I was a shell of a human being, at ground 0, lacking any ounce of confidence after coming out of a tumultuous 3 year relationship. Yet, he made me feel like I was the light that lit up a room. He paved the way for me at The Ohio State University, taught me how to watch college football, who to root for, and made me a true Buckeye. (Not to mention, OSU won the National Championship that year).
David helped me get through the business school at Fisher, pointing out which classes to look out for, which professors to avoid. He taught me how to go to the library and we’d study late at night together.
We used to joke about wondering when our “honeymoon phase” would be over. Over a year into our relationship, I was still jumping into his arms whenever he walked through the door.
Even after he had graduated, he would pick me up after my classes and give me rides home. He’d let me have the aux and blast Drake and Lil’ Wayne, while telling me how cute I was the entire way back. On late nights out with my friends, he’d pick us up, or come over late with pizza or chicken nuggets. On the mornings we would wake up hungover, he would specifically request to go home and spend time on his own, and I let him... because I loved him, he’d never give me a reason to question it for more than a split second.
I imagine the time he spent on his own were him battling some of his darkest demons… but he kept that from me knowing my previous relationship had put me through misery with addiction and substance abuse. Slowly he started taking longer to come over, and he’d be extremely sleepy.. or leave parties early. He worked so hard during the week, getting up at 5 am to drive to his job at the Honda in Marysville… even as someone who had seen substance abuse first hand, the thought never crossed my mind. I still could not believe I had no idea.
At the time, that was the toughest part. Finding out that all the issues we started having were all because of an addiction that I never even suspected. He didn’t tell me until after we had broken up.
I wanted him to focus on getting better, and not getting back together. So I pushed myself away for a bit with the fear of being too close in the instance something were to happen. Yet, when it did, all I felt was regret for not being closer. He had asked to see me and Baxter on a visit home a couple months prior… I regret every day not accepting that offer.
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When my dad passed, I had David. When David passed… I was lost. Truly, the greatest person I know, and by far one of my favorite… no longer here.
For a while I convinced myself he was still in California, soaking up the sun in a warm place. But reality hit hard when I came to terms with the fact that he was never coming back.
On the 1 year anniversary of his passing, his friend Eddie had said to me: “I remember you guys… you guys were really good together” I went home and bawled that night.
Almost 3 years after that, his friend Zach Gerber celebrated his wedding with all their closest friends. The morning after, a girl named Susie had a light bulb moment in remembering we had met before. She shared a story about being at Cassie’s (a mutual friend). We were at her house in the basement, and she remembered seeing us in our own world making out on a sofa quote unquote “so in love”.
It tore me apart that day. To see all his friends still together, married, and/or with children. Here I was.. just grateful for the invite. Thank you to (Zach) Gerber by the way, for sitting me next to Keister at his wedding. I don’t know how else I would have made it through the night.
And that’s truly the short version about how addiction has affected my life, losing my Dad and David to problems arising from addiction. We do our best to paint a rosy picture to remember the good and do everything we can to move on. But we lose the rare opportunity of sharing the realistic nature of the good and the bad intertwined.
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It’s been five years of me fighting tooth and nail to get back to the “high” that I was at when I was with David. The irony is I know I’ll never be able to replicate it.
At the end of 2021, I hit a really deep and dark place. I couldn’t pinpoint why I was so down because I know I’d been through worse. I was feeling angry, insecure, anxious and overwhelmed. While I had grieved my dad, and I had grieved what I could of David. What I realized was that I was now grieving an older version of myself.
A younger me didn’t have this cold exterior shell. I wasn’t fun and carefree anymore. I couldn’t jump back into relationships at the rate I used to, and I couldn’t connect with people at the same level either. That was an extremely lonely feeling. The extents that I would go just to feel something were few and far between.
I found myself flying out to Nashville one weekend. Someone I followed for quite some time had blown up on social media highlighting the importance of mental health. I thought it would have been an opportunity to connect with someone new. Within hours of landing, the experience was about as superficial as you would imagine to be.. (God do I wish David were here to share that story to… he would have laughed so hard, I know it).
But luckily for me, I had an outlet. I reached out to his sister, Kari and her husband, Brandon who had been living there at the time. Without a question Brandon picked me up from a Mcdonald’s like a helpless puppy. We tried to watch the OSU football game but that was quickly taken over with their daughters Adeline and Aila showing me all their toys.
They showed me the rest of their house, and we finished in the playroom. We came up with multiple games and variations of hide and seek, hot and cold, I spy. Kari apologized to me that this was how I was spending my Saturday night in Nashville. I remember looking up at her beaming and saying… “This is the most fun I’ve had all week.”
In that moment, I felt whole again. If there is anyone who understood close to what I was feeling.. it’s Kari F*cking Ellison (Seaquist). Aside from both being the oldest daughter of 3, we also share an infinite amount of love and grief for her brother.
Seeing Kari, Brandon, and especially Adeline and Aila made me feel like I was connected to David, but in the real world again. I’ll love David for the person he was forever.. but to be connected to someone in present time was pivotal. As cute as David’s nieces are, I take a lot of pride and responsibility in liking the pictures that are posted of them. “Omg so cute” and “Look at that face” were once things repeated to me that I find myself projecting onto Kari’s Instagram feed on a daily basis. I’m sure some would think it’s repetitious, but I have no shame in it, because I know David would had done the same thing.
Just like David built me up in the past, I’d like to think he taught me how to do all those things for myself too. It’s taken me a long time to like the person I am today, but i hate that that this version of me includes losing him too. At the end of the day, it’s still me: Tiff. I just wonder who she’d be if he were still here.
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To David: from the five years of knowing you, and another five years since your passing… both your presence and absence have equally and greatly impacted my life: who I was, who I am, and who I continue to be. To have been loved by you has been one of the greatest gifts.
- Tiffany Chen, June 21, 2023
- Instagram: @tiffanyyychen